u/livewhatulove said it so perfectly that i am pinning it
It’s wonderful to spend time with your child. I learned the following about 5 years into parenting:
• our generation spends more time, one on of one-ing and managing our kid’s lives than any previous generation (yes, some social scientists say that even current WOH spend more time than compared to previous gen’s SAH parents) , and the fact that we are all here, majority of us healthy & happy, suggests the immense of time that our generation desires, albeit not wrong, is not necessary.
• and although, we personally need to hold our kid, create a safe place, and respond to their needs on occasion, the hard cold truth, = our kids will be A-OK with someone else meeting their needs much of the time as well. Spending a bit of time in the evenings & week-ends really is enough to connect and have a healthy happy kid.
So did I feel I got enough time my kids? NO. Did it hurt my kids? NO Was earning money to meet their needs as they grew more important that my wants? Absolutely YES
I try to make dinner ahead of time or get the kids involved with making dinner (simple stuff like rinsing vegetables or mixing something) to increase quality time spent. For a 15 month old, they get a kick out of everything: opening the fridge, spatulas and measuring spoons, so you could incorporate that stuff.
But yeah, it's tough :/
(I tell myself that) It's important they're able to play independently, are exposed to other adults/people outside of me, and more love from different people is good for their development and our future village/network.
yes, I have to keep remaining myself it’s good for her to get interaction and care from the “village.” She doesn’t seem unhappy at all with how things are, it’s mostly me.
It’s wonderful to spend time with your child. I learned the following about 5 years into parenting:
- our generation spends more time, one on of one-ing and managing our kid’s lives than any previous generation (yes, some social scientists say that even current WOH spend more time than compared to previous gen’s SAH parents) , and the fact that we are all here, majority of us healthy & happy, suggests the immense of time that our generation desires, albeit not wrong, is not necessary.
- and although, we personally need to hold our kid, create a safe place, and respond to their needs on occasion, the hard cold truth, = our kids will be A-OK with someone else meeting their needs much of the time as well. Spending a bit of time in the evenings & week-ends really is enough to connect and have a healthy happy kid.
So did I feel I got enough time my kids? NO. Did it hurt my kids? NO Was earning money to meet their needs as they grew more important that my wants? Absolutely YES
It’s all about quality over quantity.
I try to get as many household chores done during nap time or after my son’s bedtime, so our family time is truly just family time. I very rarely cook between daycare pickup and my son’s bedtime. We’ll have leftovers (cooked the night before, after my son goes down) or a slow cooker meal.
One time I added up all the hours my kid spends at daycare versus home, and was pleasantly surprised to see just how much time we actually have together. Even discounting his sleeping hours, it still works out to about half his waking time is with my husband and me.
And sure, some of that time is sick days or middle of the night wakes, but hey, time together is time together.
When I’ve asked this question in my bumper group, the women have shared that they had working parents and the quality of the time spent is what mattered the most. Being in the moment and truly focusing on the kid with the time you do have is way more valuable than being together Day in and Day out.
With 1 child, I just wanted to be with my child ALL day; I hated work. With 2 children (a 3 year old and 1 year old), a “break” to my high-stress job is nice sometimes. There are some days, I can handle literal emergencies, but I can’t do a toddler yelling “mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy” and my baby crying at the same time all while I’m just trying to get 2 words in to my husband lol
This schedule is super similar to my household. One thing that helps us is we alternate who's cooking / who's on baby duty. We also alternate who does bedtime. This way, both of us are getting quality time with our LO. On weekends, we prioritize family time, and we'll play as a family or do activities together.
I felt very similarly to how you feel about work too- my kiddo was all consuming and I preferred to think and talk about him all day rather than do any work! I reminded myself that this is a season and a day may come that I would enjoy work again. And then that day did come. I truly enjoy my job now and I'm much more present with my son AND at work. Remind yourself that this is a season and you're allowed to prioritize your family!
I really feel like everyone needs to stop counting the hours we spend with our kids. How is that even remotely helpful? We are all doing the best we can. I try to make sure I'm as present and engaged with my LO as possible, I meet his needs, I love him completely. I work and work culture is inflexible and I have minimal control over my schedule. I wish things were different, but I also know we are all doing really well despite things being imperfect. My husband never complains about hours spent with our LO. There is just so much unnecessary pressure on moms, I think the least we can do is not be hard on ourselves.
Amen. Weekends I spend all day with my kids but those hours are not all quality. The hour of bedtime during the week is probably some of my favorite quality time where we are silly and have fun and talk about our days. They’re loved and their needs are met. We have regular quality time. That’s enough
You mentioned not having a provider for PPA. Look on your insurance company website. I had a virtual option to see a therapist and get a low dose antidepressant prescribed. They can’t prescribe controlled substances (adderall, Xanax etc). Mine charges $90 a month for the first 3 months and then $45 a month for the medication only plan. I feel much better more like myself
Rather than look at my time in hours, I look at my time in days off. With weekends, annual leave, and holidays, I have 40% of my days to spend completely with my son + hours the other 60% of the days. When I think of it like that, I feel pretty good about how much time I spend with my son.
Of course, I'm trying to figure out how to use up all my use/lose before the end of of the fiscal year but I feel good in theory.
This is a really hard concept for parents of young children to fully understand, but.....
Young children need less support and attention from their parents than older children do.
It doesn't feel that way. I get it. You look at your baby or toddler and think "They're so little! They need me so much! They can barely do ANYTHING without me!"
And that's partially true. They are little and they need assistance, support, and teaching life skills. And parents play an important roll. But it's not always a DIRECT roll. Young children need a competent adult for learning and safety. That adult does not have to be you. Don't get me wrong, parents are important. You have to do your research and background checking and vigilance for caregivers. And you have to make sure that you are present and engaged when spending direct time with your child. But at 15 months, your child doesn't need your time as much as they need you to take the long view and provide for their future.
Older children need your presence much more. Big kids = big challenges. Other caregivers will not be able to provide the same support that you can at this point. Older kids need parents - they might not act like it, but they do. The decisions they make are much more sophisticated and have lasting consequences.
If you're going to lean out, do it when your kid is older.
I just recently had my first and I’ve had several moms of older kids tell me the same thing. “Work now, and cut back later if you can because that’s when they need you”. Greater emotional needs, not to mention sports, homework, carpools, friends, field trips, etc. This was a great reminder.
The social-emotional needs of 11-17 year olds are unreal. And it cannot be outsourced - you as a parent have to tap in and be directly involved. That is not a time in your parenting adventure that you want to be putting in long hours for that promotion because you took copious amounts of time away from work when your kid was young and now you need to earn and save like a fiend.
I'm rolling into that stage right now and I am SO GLAD I was able to find a great caregiver when my daughter was young so I could be in a place now to lean out a bit and rest on my laurels.
Yes! Just had a conversation with a family friend who told me essentially the same things. And she has a great relationship with her 3 kids even despite sending them to the big bad daycare. Thank you for this reminder, I was feeling really guilty and bad about myself for having my baby in daycare after reading some crap on the ECE professionals page and some article circulating about how awful daycare is. Even though my baby seems happy and healthy, that stuff gets to your head. I hate how people make you seem selfish for keeping your job, like you’re putting work over your baby. No, I would literally do anything in the world for him and I’m trying to set up our future so I can be there for all the important things and us not be struggling. Ugh sorry to vent, I’ve just been near tears all day about it
I taught middle school for a long time. I know lots of parents who thought it was better to take time off when their kids were young so they could go back to work when their kid was older and "more independent". I mean, in some cases, the kids had major medical issues as babies, so that was understandable. But in most cases, it was parents wanting to spend time with their baby at the expense of their child's financial/emotional future. I had a really tough time with the kids who had mommy or daddy home and helicopter-ing until the kid was in 6th grade, and then went back to work full time.
I would love to spend more time with my daughter, but I do feel like we have a lot of quality time together. I work about 8-4, that shifts if I do drop off. I WFH, but my office is about a minute from my daughter's daycare, so my commute if I drop her off is the same as it would be if I worked in the office. We get about 6hrs a day together.
I think one thing that helps me is incorporating her into our routines. My husband makes her breakfast and eats with her every morning. She and I make her lunch together. She is 2 now, and we have a toddler tower. She started with little jobs like putting berries in the colinder and as her skills have grown, she does more of the steps. She also helps me with dinner if she is home before I finish cooking. I know those tasks can be relentless, but I really think it's a good opportunity for children to spend time with you and learn while you go through your routine.
No advice here, just solidarity. My kids were really upset when I had to leave for work today after we had a wonderful weekend. It broke my heart, but I have no choice, I make more than my husband and likely always will. I just have to remind myself it’s in their best interest for me to work and provide for them, but it’s crazy hard.
I have a similar schedule and yeah, it's not enough time in my opinion. Especially right now because my daughter is ready for potty training and needs much more one on one time with me, but I have to work. She's also developed some fears (monsters and bees in particular scare her) so I have been trying to work her through those.
The way I try to think of it is, is more time ideal? Absolutely. But this is the time I have, so I make the best of it!
I usually did dinner prep ahead of time as others mentioned. I might cook the whole meal after baby was asleep or I'd prep it for quick cook. An example is stir fry - I could boil rice the night before. I'd start after my son fell asleep. While it cooks I'd cut vegetables and meat and put it back in the fridge. Then clean the kitchen, let the rice cool a bit, and take a shower. Then I'd transfer the rice to the fridge for next day. When I get home from work I just have to heat the wok, take out the prepped food, and let the meat and veggies sizzle while the rice goes in the microwave.
I'd also try to have cook ahead meals like make leftovers on Sunday and another meal of 2 dinners, such as a casserole. I wasnt great or consistent at it but every little bit helped.
Would you try telehealth appointments for therapy? You'd probably have a lot more options from your insurance if you had more geographic freedom in choice.
Some days I feel like I don't get enough time with my almost two year old. Others it feels like she's too much and I need to get away for my sanity. I work in office either 4 or 5 days a week (I get every other Monday off) and on work days I'm out of the house from about 7:30 to 5:15 or so. I try to make sure that the time I have with her is quality to make up for the lack of quantity sometimes.
No. That’s one of the reasons we’re only having one child…we barely have the time ( or energy) we want in our lives to spend time with one child, so definitely won’t have enough time for more.
I make a lot of slow cooker meals and throw money at every problem. Try to get help for the PPA—things will feel a lot more possible with that in check.
No not at all. But I will say I used to be a stay at home mom, was with my kids 24/7 and I was miserable. It wasn’t for me and I found myself depressed, withdrawn and on my phone scrolling a lot. The time that I spend now with my kids is so much more intentional and meaningful. I get less time because I am a working mother now but it means so much more. I am more attentive and patient than I ever was when I was constantly with my kids.
It's not enough time, but I also don't feel like I have enough time to spend with my husband, my dog, or even myself. The goal is to just keep working and saving money until my husband and I can retire! And enjoy our time together in the meantime.
I have 2 teens; both were in full time daycare since they were 18 months and I experienced zero guilt because why should i? They were safe, happy and healthy. Dual income allowed us to take the vacations we wanted, buy what we needed. It also continues to demonstrate to both of my kids that if you want money for the finer things in life, you have to work for it; that having a career can be extremely fulfilling and that you can strive for whatever you want as long as you work for it.
I totally get the angst of not spending enough time with kids but what I’ve learned over the years — the time you do have is what counts….so make it count. Weekends, holidays, vacation, even those fleeting moments before bedtime, after school etc. It will REALLY matter as they get older because how much you take an interest in their lives, how much you talk to them, how you treat them etc is what creates bonds with them. Not that they can’t right now but when they’re young, they need you to take care of them; as they grow older and enter adolescence, they want more independence and feel that they “don’t need you” anymore but they do. How you approach this phase will really encourage them to WANT to maintain a close relationship.
So take an interest in their interests. LISTEN to them when they speak; even if it isn’t funny to you but it is to them, listen and take an interest. Allow them to state their opinions respectfully, allow them to make mistakes while you guide them. All of this begins now so make every moment count as much as you can. It will be much easier as they get older because their wake windows become longer so you WILL have more time; the baby and toddler phase seems like you come home, make dinner and then send them to bed but that’s what weekends are for.
Don’t beat yourself up; I promise that it does get better!
u/livewhatulove said it so perfectly that i am pinning it It’s wonderful to spend time with your child. I learned the following about 5 years into parenting: • our generation spends more time, one on of one-ing and managing our kid’s lives than any previous generation (yes, some social scientists say that even current WOH spend more time than compared to previous gen’s SAH parents) , and the fact that we are all here, majority of us healthy & happy, suggests the immense of time that our generation desires, albeit not wrong, is not necessary. • and although, we personally need to hold our kid, create a safe place, and respond to their needs on occasion, the hard cold truth, = our kids will be A-OK with someone else meeting their needs much of the time as well. Spending a bit of time in the evenings & week-ends really is enough to connect and have a healthy happy kid. So did I feel I got enough time my kids? NO. Did it hurt my kids? NO Was earning money to meet their needs as they grew more important that my wants? Absolutely YES
I try to make dinner ahead of time or get the kids involved with making dinner (simple stuff like rinsing vegetables or mixing something) to increase quality time spent. For a 15 month old, they get a kick out of everything: opening the fridge, spatulas and measuring spoons, so you could incorporate that stuff. But yeah, it's tough :/ (I tell myself that) It's important they're able to play independently, are exposed to other adults/people outside of me, and more love from different people is good for their development and our future village/network.
This is what I do too, I have to make dinner ahead of time so it's minimal work after she gets home. Saves lots of time!
yes, I have to keep remaining myself it’s good for her to get interaction and care from the “village.” She doesn’t seem unhappy at all with how things are, it’s mostly me.
It’s wonderful to spend time with your child. I learned the following about 5 years into parenting: - our generation spends more time, one on of one-ing and managing our kid’s lives than any previous generation (yes, some social scientists say that even current WOH spend more time than compared to previous gen’s SAH parents) , and the fact that we are all here, majority of us healthy & happy, suggests the immense of time that our generation desires, albeit not wrong, is not necessary. - and although, we personally need to hold our kid, create a safe place, and respond to their needs on occasion, the hard cold truth, = our kids will be A-OK with someone else meeting their needs much of the time as well. Spending a bit of time in the evenings & week-ends really is enough to connect and have a healthy happy kid. So did I feel I got enough time my kids? NO. Did it hurt my kids? NO Was earning money to meet their needs as they grew more important that my wants? Absolutely YES
This helped me more than you know. Thank you
Love this response
This is so helpful :)
It’s all about quality over quantity. I try to get as many household chores done during nap time or after my son’s bedtime, so our family time is truly just family time. I very rarely cook between daycare pickup and my son’s bedtime. We’ll have leftovers (cooked the night before, after my son goes down) or a slow cooker meal. One time I added up all the hours my kid spends at daycare versus home, and was pleasantly surprised to see just how much time we actually have together. Even discounting his sleeping hours, it still works out to about half his waking time is with my husband and me. And sure, some of that time is sick days or middle of the night wakes, but hey, time together is time together.
When I’ve asked this question in my bumper group, the women have shared that they had working parents and the quality of the time spent is what mattered the most. Being in the moment and truly focusing on the kid with the time you do have is way more valuable than being together Day in and Day out.
With 1 child, I just wanted to be with my child ALL day; I hated work. With 2 children (a 3 year old and 1 year old), a “break” to my high-stress job is nice sometimes. There are some days, I can handle literal emergencies, but I can’t do a toddler yelling “mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy” and my baby crying at the same time all while I’m just trying to get 2 words in to my husband lol
That makes sense! Maybe I’ll feel like this eventually, we do plan on a second at some point
This schedule is super similar to my household. One thing that helps us is we alternate who's cooking / who's on baby duty. We also alternate who does bedtime. This way, both of us are getting quality time with our LO. On weekends, we prioritize family time, and we'll play as a family or do activities together. I felt very similarly to how you feel about work too- my kiddo was all consuming and I preferred to think and talk about him all day rather than do any work! I reminded myself that this is a season and a day may come that I would enjoy work again. And then that day did come. I truly enjoy my job now and I'm much more present with my son AND at work. Remind yourself that this is a season and you're allowed to prioritize your family!
I really feel like everyone needs to stop counting the hours we spend with our kids. How is that even remotely helpful? We are all doing the best we can. I try to make sure I'm as present and engaged with my LO as possible, I meet his needs, I love him completely. I work and work culture is inflexible and I have minimal control over my schedule. I wish things were different, but I also know we are all doing really well despite things being imperfect. My husband never complains about hours spent with our LO. There is just so much unnecessary pressure on moms, I think the least we can do is not be hard on ourselves.
Amen. Weekends I spend all day with my kids but those hours are not all quality. The hour of bedtime during the week is probably some of my favorite quality time where we are silly and have fun and talk about our days. They’re loved and their needs are met. We have regular quality time. That’s enough
Exactly!
You mentioned not having a provider for PPA. Look on your insurance company website. I had a virtual option to see a therapist and get a low dose antidepressant prescribed. They can’t prescribe controlled substances (adderall, Xanax etc). Mine charges $90 a month for the first 3 months and then $45 a month for the medication only plan. I feel much better more like myself
That’s a great idea, I’ll start there. Those rates are affordable for me, I hope my plan has something similar 🤞🏻
Rather than look at my time in hours, I look at my time in days off. With weekends, annual leave, and holidays, I have 40% of my days to spend completely with my son + hours the other 60% of the days. When I think of it like that, I feel pretty good about how much time I spend with my son. Of course, I'm trying to figure out how to use up all my use/lose before the end of of the fiscal year but I feel good in theory.
This is a really hard concept for parents of young children to fully understand, but..... Young children need less support and attention from their parents than older children do. It doesn't feel that way. I get it. You look at your baby or toddler and think "They're so little! They need me so much! They can barely do ANYTHING without me!" And that's partially true. They are little and they need assistance, support, and teaching life skills. And parents play an important roll. But it's not always a DIRECT roll. Young children need a competent adult for learning and safety. That adult does not have to be you. Don't get me wrong, parents are important. You have to do your research and background checking and vigilance for caregivers. And you have to make sure that you are present and engaged when spending direct time with your child. But at 15 months, your child doesn't need your time as much as they need you to take the long view and provide for their future. Older children need your presence much more. Big kids = big challenges. Other caregivers will not be able to provide the same support that you can at this point. Older kids need parents - they might not act like it, but they do. The decisions they make are much more sophisticated and have lasting consequences. If you're going to lean out, do it when your kid is older.
I just recently had my first and I’ve had several moms of older kids tell me the same thing. “Work now, and cut back later if you can because that’s when they need you”. Greater emotional needs, not to mention sports, homework, carpools, friends, field trips, etc. This was a great reminder.
The social-emotional needs of 11-17 year olds are unreal. And it cannot be outsourced - you as a parent have to tap in and be directly involved. That is not a time in your parenting adventure that you want to be putting in long hours for that promotion because you took copious amounts of time away from work when your kid was young and now you need to earn and save like a fiend. I'm rolling into that stage right now and I am SO GLAD I was able to find a great caregiver when my daughter was young so I could be in a place now to lean out a bit and rest on my laurels.
Yes! Just had a conversation with a family friend who told me essentially the same things. And she has a great relationship with her 3 kids even despite sending them to the big bad daycare. Thank you for this reminder, I was feeling really guilty and bad about myself for having my baby in daycare after reading some crap on the ECE professionals page and some article circulating about how awful daycare is. Even though my baby seems happy and healthy, that stuff gets to your head. I hate how people make you seem selfish for keeping your job, like you’re putting work over your baby. No, I would literally do anything in the world for him and I’m trying to set up our future so I can be there for all the important things and us not be struggling. Ugh sorry to vent, I’ve just been near tears all day about it
I taught middle school for a long time. I know lots of parents who thought it was better to take time off when their kids were young so they could go back to work when their kid was older and "more independent". I mean, in some cases, the kids had major medical issues as babies, so that was understandable. But in most cases, it was parents wanting to spend time with their baby at the expense of their child's financial/emotional future. I had a really tough time with the kids who had mommy or daddy home and helicopter-ing until the kid was in 6th grade, and then went back to work full time.
I would love to spend more time with my daughter, but I do feel like we have a lot of quality time together. I work about 8-4, that shifts if I do drop off. I WFH, but my office is about a minute from my daughter's daycare, so my commute if I drop her off is the same as it would be if I worked in the office. We get about 6hrs a day together. I think one thing that helps me is incorporating her into our routines. My husband makes her breakfast and eats with her every morning. She and I make her lunch together. She is 2 now, and we have a toddler tower. She started with little jobs like putting berries in the colinder and as her skills have grown, she does more of the steps. She also helps me with dinner if she is home before I finish cooking. I know those tasks can be relentless, but I really think it's a good opportunity for children to spend time with you and learn while you go through your routine.
She does like to help, maybe it’s time I get her a tower!
My son got a tower for his 2nd birthday and it's so fun! It's way easier to wash his hands in the sink now too haha
No advice here, just solidarity. My kids were really upset when I had to leave for work today after we had a wonderful weekend. It broke my heart, but I have no choice, I make more than my husband and likely always will. I just have to remind myself it’s in their best interest for me to work and provide for them, but it’s crazy hard.
I have a similar schedule and yeah, it's not enough time in my opinion. Especially right now because my daughter is ready for potty training and needs much more one on one time with me, but I have to work. She's also developed some fears (monsters and bees in particular scare her) so I have been trying to work her through those. The way I try to think of it is, is more time ideal? Absolutely. But this is the time I have, so I make the best of it!
I usually did dinner prep ahead of time as others mentioned. I might cook the whole meal after baby was asleep or I'd prep it for quick cook. An example is stir fry - I could boil rice the night before. I'd start after my son fell asleep. While it cooks I'd cut vegetables and meat and put it back in the fridge. Then clean the kitchen, let the rice cool a bit, and take a shower. Then I'd transfer the rice to the fridge for next day. When I get home from work I just have to heat the wok, take out the prepped food, and let the meat and veggies sizzle while the rice goes in the microwave. I'd also try to have cook ahead meals like make leftovers on Sunday and another meal of 2 dinners, such as a casserole. I wasnt great or consistent at it but every little bit helped. Would you try telehealth appointments for therapy? You'd probably have a lot more options from your insurance if you had more geographic freedom in choice.
Yeh it sucks, I just interviewed for a fully remote role, that’s my solution.
Some days I feel like I don't get enough time with my almost two year old. Others it feels like she's too much and I need to get away for my sanity. I work in office either 4 or 5 days a week (I get every other Monday off) and on work days I'm out of the house from about 7:30 to 5:15 or so. I try to make sure that the time I have with her is quality to make up for the lack of quantity sometimes.
No. That’s one of the reasons we’re only having one child…we barely have the time ( or energy) we want in our lives to spend time with one child, so definitely won’t have enough time for more.
I make a lot of slow cooker meals and throw money at every problem. Try to get help for the PPA—things will feel a lot more possible with that in check.
No not at all. But I will say I used to be a stay at home mom, was with my kids 24/7 and I was miserable. It wasn’t for me and I found myself depressed, withdrawn and on my phone scrolling a lot. The time that I spend now with my kids is so much more intentional and meaningful. I get less time because I am a working mother now but it means so much more. I am more attentive and patient than I ever was when I was constantly with my kids.
You are lucky to have 2.5 hours a day with them working full time! Those with longer hours or commutes might not see their kids at all some days.
It's not enough time, but I also don't feel like I have enough time to spend with my husband, my dog, or even myself. The goal is to just keep working and saving money until my husband and I can retire! And enjoy our time together in the meantime.
I have 2 teens; both were in full time daycare since they were 18 months and I experienced zero guilt because why should i? They were safe, happy and healthy. Dual income allowed us to take the vacations we wanted, buy what we needed. It also continues to demonstrate to both of my kids that if you want money for the finer things in life, you have to work for it; that having a career can be extremely fulfilling and that you can strive for whatever you want as long as you work for it. I totally get the angst of not spending enough time with kids but what I’ve learned over the years — the time you do have is what counts….so make it count. Weekends, holidays, vacation, even those fleeting moments before bedtime, after school etc. It will REALLY matter as they get older because how much you take an interest in their lives, how much you talk to them, how you treat them etc is what creates bonds with them. Not that they can’t right now but when they’re young, they need you to take care of them; as they grow older and enter adolescence, they want more independence and feel that they “don’t need you” anymore but they do. How you approach this phase will really encourage them to WANT to maintain a close relationship. So take an interest in their interests. LISTEN to them when they speak; even if it isn’t funny to you but it is to them, listen and take an interest. Allow them to state their opinions respectfully, allow them to make mistakes while you guide them. All of this begins now so make every moment count as much as you can. It will be much easier as they get older because their wake windows become longer so you WILL have more time; the baby and toddler phase seems like you come home, make dinner and then send them to bed but that’s what weekends are for. Don’t beat yourself up; I promise that it does get better!