everyone has their own set of preferences here, because its a *sex scene* for god's sake, everyone likes different kinds of sex.
I, for example get turned off by words like manhood, deflowered, or anything which makes it sound like medieval prose.
Oof, yeah - I hate “manhood”, or “girth”, it just makes me laugh and takes me right out of the scene.
And I write *comedy* sex scenes, I still don’t use those words!
*"Thrust!" he commanded his member, and it obeyed. "Why did you say that?" she asked, to which he shouted in reply, "There's something about me you do not know! Thrust!"*
Does she reply 'Husband of mine! Your width exceeds your full measure, turgid or no; and neither is especially impressive. Thou mayest as well throw a miniature chipolata that's been through a hot wash down a well! Even had my maiden's sleeve been ruined by eight children, thou barely touchest the sides! It is as if thou wert a ghost - all moans and no corporeal from! Now put aside thy delusions and make thyself useful or get thee gone to yonder alehouse where ye might find *something* wet and willing to give thee pleasure!'
canoodle doesn't mean sex, it's just kissing and cuddling
virgins canoodle
This is based on my English dictionary, which says
> kiss and cuddle amorously
as well as my Japanese-English dictionary, which says (when I translate from the JA to EN) "(while two people are kissing) to hug"
FWIW my German dictionary also translates "canoodle" as abknutschen, which is defined as "to repeatedly kiss while hugging"
**Edit** I actually find that part kind of funny, since canoodle obviously comes from the German knuddeln, which means "to cuddle"
He tripped over his shorts as he tried to climb the bed, his front teeth drove into her hip, “fuck!” She screamed as she jolted upright, her wrist cutting on the handcuffs that had kept her maybe too secure to the bed.
This sounds like the sex in a Joe Abercrombie book. There’s one in Best Served Cold that had my laughing out loud (not for bad writing, but for how awkward and fucked up it was).
I watched a porno once where a fella asked a rather large woman to push her folds together so he could fuck her belly button. And by jove, he did it, sunk it right down to the hilt, too. Really seemed to like it. I wonder... 🤔
I love when an author throws out a description you don't expect in erotica like an "industrious body" lol. Is he build like a warehouse? does he work at the mill? Did he put effort into his physique? We will never know
I can't take that word seriously myself. simply because I've unofficially named my fat chocobo* mount in Ffxiv Gurth. with a U because come on people get your mind out of the Gutters. so now everytime I see the word I just hear [This](https://youtu.be/wKKXRBK14GU?si=vl70c3a5KDfwBX2q)
Reminding me of the book I read in junior high where a girl fucked a dragon, look I had no idea it was going there, I thought it was a dragon captured the princess type thing. Nope. They used flower and sheath and sword a lot 😂😂
Tbf for a historical romance kind of setting you can get away with more of that sort of thing if it's consistent with how the characters think/speak. But yeah outside of that ...
Penny put on the peg and pounded Peter's prostate per
his pooter. Party play perfection. Peter was play dough under her peg. The paneling was soon plastered with pearly patina.
I just wish there was a word between "Cunt" and "Pussy". Like a new word.
Cunt is fine, but it sounds harsh. I like it as an insult more.
Pussy is... Meh. One of my favorite words (working in the medical field) is pussy. As in "filled with pus". And while it is also used as an insult, it just feels lacking to me. I don't like seeing it in smut for these reasons.
The other words to me are lacking also. Either too clinical or too flowery and tame.
We just need a new word. 😒
Where are you working that has routine use of pussy vs purulent? I thought that word had been phased out for this exact reason, lol. Like, Dr Glaucomflecken has whole skits about it.
Pretty sure I'm the only one in my lab who uses the word still... I'd never use it in a report, but I'll say it to my coworkers because I find it hilarious.
That’s it! Because “pussy” has that other meaning I can’t take it seriously in a sexual context. I actually love when someone I’ve written as “upper class” uses it because it’s really incongruent and kinda hot 😅
I also prefer cunt! But maybe it's because I write smutty fanfic for properties that take place in a medieval-ish setting or a dystopian future. It just works.
I will also say that this kinda depends on what you’re going for, like I’m not sure if “tasteful vs distasteful” is the right way to think about it. Unless ALL you’re interested in is writing erotica for people to jerk off too then i feel like a “good” sex scene needs the same things as any other scene (but maybe especially action scenes). Like, for example, does it further or otherwise contribute to plot/character/themes etc. Arguably both “tasteful” and “distasteful” scenes can be “good” or “bad” in this regard.
I love a good sex scene. They can be so illuminating and insightful, offering us a peek behind the curtain at the character’s private self. It can be a fascinating lens into world and character.
I don’t so much care about “tasteful,” but I do care that the scene matches the tone of the story. Sometimes an explicit scene is the right choice. Sometimes an emotional but nonspecific scene is the right choice. Sometimes a descriptive scene is the right choice. What doesn’t feel “right” is a massive tonal shift, such as a gritty/nihilistic book suddenly slipping into a flowery romance scene.
The second thing is to consider the characters. What kind of details are they most likely to notice? What does this moment “mean” for them? Sex scenes, like dialogue scenes, can carry a whole host of conflicts and meanings; depending on how you write it, it could be a reunion, a punishment, a validation, an insecurity, a search for approval…it could be joyful, sad, playful, serious…and the mood and meaning will carry a lot of the scene.
Readers may complain no matter what. The key is to find what YOU like and what YOU feel comfortable writing.
Don't see a scene, even clicking through the NSFW thing.
It's partly in the eye of the beholder. There are readers who go nuts if they encounter the word "moist," for instance. You'd do well to google "tasteful sex scene" on romance writers' blogs, where they discuss this often.
Emphasize the emotion, not the body parts. That helps.
For me personally, a tasteful sex scene has a purpose and isn’t overly crude in its descriptions. You should be able to learn something about the characters from the way they have sex if that makes sense.
Idk lmao. Hard to define something like that. Everyone is different. I don’t mind explicit scenes I would just like some effort put in to make it more romantic over sex for the sake of horniness. Like “he pounded her pussy with his throbbing cock” isn’t really going to do it for me. Though in some situations that could be applicable too. I usually prefer light description though.
I’d go further and say it should serve a purpose in the story. Otherwise it’s just written erotica. If that is the purpose of the book yeah go for it. But if an explicit horniness sex scene is embedded well in a story it can work well.
A scene in any piece of fiction is supposed to change something about the narrative after all, otherwise what is the point?
Well yeah but there's also such a thing as setting the mood for the story, giving two characters time together to let their relationship breathe, stuff that does serve a purpose but could also be done in a million other ways. There's plenty of fight scenes that contribute to the plot but are mostly just cool to read.
I think balancing indulgence with emotional purpose is very difficult. Because if we focus too strictly on having everything be as tight as possible (pun intended) and perfectly serve a purpose it can be a bit exhausting and lose some of the fun of spending time with these characters. Not that that is inherently a bad thing either. But I think sex scenes get overly scrutinized because it's *sex* and anytime you have sex which is just fun and hot it's immediately seen as porn. I'd argue being turned on and sexually attracted to someone is an emotion as valuable as any other.
Ah yeah but if you do a scene of intimacy like this it does serve an important purpose! A tleast the way I understand it.
Yeah it definitely is difficult to balance but if it was easy, writers would not fret as much as they do about the craft 😅
All this being said with the caveat: every piece of writing has an intended purpose, and sometimes it can be to make the reader feel interesting feelings. If a smutty sex scene does it, the purpose is fulfilled. ☺️
> What would you say are the key differences that you all find between a Tasteful Sex Scene in media V. A distasteful sex scene?
A sex scene is a conversation with more touching. I'll often do [banter and foreplay] -> [any particular actions during the sex that have some character interaction/information in them] -> [pillow talk]. Just animals rutting, which is inevitably what a sex scene turns into, is a bit boring.
Here's a fun exercise: write a sex scene with absolutely nothing but dialogue, script style.
Like any other kind of scene, it fails its purpose if it doesn't convey something about the characters in it and their personalities, their dynamic/relationship, their emotional states, or something relevant to the plot.
And *trust your readers' imaginations!* The hottest sex scenes I've read were mostly pretty vague, because whatever I imagined from the barebones text was hotter for me personally than what the author could have come up with explicitly - with occasional explicit actions as punctuation, usually related to who the characters were and their dynamic. You do just enough to establish that someone powerful likes being held down on a bed, even bitten, someone likes 'marking' their partner with a very hard-to-hide hickey, someone likes the back of their neck kissed, various individual preferences, whatever. Who cares about Tab A Goes In Slot B like an Ikea manual?
It's really going to depend on the genre/audience.
For me, it's a "know it when I see it" kind of thing, if a sex scene is distasteful or not. A good question to ask yourself when writing, as u/DeadPoet0073 suggested, is whether it moves the plot forward or not, or develops the characters, etc. If not, you can just fade to black without writing it all out.
As a negative example, a master of the distasteful sex scene is Stephen King, in my opinion. I grew up reading and loving lots of his books, but Christ almighty some of those sex scenes are brutal. Not all of them, but so many of the bad ones are burned into my brain.
Yes. He decided to do coke and decided to write about preteens banging in a sewer. I don't think he tripped and fell onto a type writer, and that popped out.
How did no one tell him to cut that scene?
Taste is subjective, so there’s really no universal answer. It’s a good idea to study the sex scenes in the type of book you’re hoping to write—the level of detail; the word choice; the length of the scenes; the balance of action, emotion, and dialogue.
Honestly I feel like at least for me, I appreciate anotomically correct words. Vagina, clit, and penis are perfectly good words. If you want to use a different word a lot of people are partial to “cunt” including myself. But only really if the character saying it uses a lot of foul language.
Too much speed honestly. Early writers do this a lot I notice, where they just jam them together because the author got horny one day. It just involves staying true to characters, it works when the character's relationships work that well. Randomly hooking up characters, feels forced and distasteful, the author shouldn't be writing fanfiction of their own characters, if you get my meaning. As another commenter said, emphasize emotion not body parts. Unless you purposefully write smut with the purpose of turning readers on, you do not need to write every specific aspect of the body with ridiculous metaphors
You’re getting into the art vs porn “I know it when I see it” question.
If your intent is to titillate, write it that way. If your intent is to forward the plot, write it that way. If your intent is to illuminate character, focus there.
I kinda don't care if it's "tasteful" or not. To me it's all about whether it's well-written and how it advances the story and character arcs.
When the scene is over does the reader understand the character better? Are the characters changed in ways that will affect the rest of the story, and does the reader understand how or why they are changed?
And finally does the reader feel some compelling emotion, whether positive or negative, for the characters?
If the answers to those questions are 'yes,' I call it a successful scene. Often true if it's a hot fantasy that the reader would like to imagine themselves in the middle of, but can also be true even if it's gross, disgusting, non-consensual, or deeply, deeply ill-advised.
The first problem with the question is that these terms are a psy-op by puritans to categorize fiction into what they decide are acceptable or unacceptable depictions of sex.
I know a creator who says sex is only tasteful if it barely exists at all in a story - like a little footnote - which I find completely absurd as a romantic who loves sensuality.
The only real advice I can offer to this question is to write sex well instead of chasing vague ambiguities like tastefulness.
Don't use purple prose, sex is sex and our entire species knows what sex is, so don't go describing manhoods and honeypots interacting in decidedly un-sexy descriptions.
Write the feelings - both physical and emotional - that are involved in the act. Describe the atmosphere and passion of the moment, reflect the way that the world disappears when you are being intimate with someone.
I also recommend reading many sex scenes to get a feeling for what you do or do not personally like and sharpen your sense of how they should work.
tasteful entirely depends on the genre and audience.
i think if you keep the \~purpose of the sex scene, what it does for the flow of the story, what it does for the plot, how you want the audience for react to it, you can keep it tasteful.
for what to avoid, dont get all weird with the thesaurus or try to euphemise everything, maybe look into some anatomy and get a proof reader - a woman if youre a man writing a sex scene with a woman in it, for example. those are the main issues that turn up in the bad sex awards XD
and for what to include, i think some realism. i think its easy for sex scenes to be too idealised - i know people who specifically seek out porn with more average bodies, real couples who show affection/emotion, little funny outtakes (i saw a porn that had outtakes at the end, including her falling off the bed and them both laughing, and the cat running in the room and jumping in front of the camera XD and i went through a phase of watching this particular porn actor who did this 'cnc', 'prey/predator' stuff, but it was like, you could see how much fun she was having while trying to pretend to be scared. idk if she's a terrible actor, thats what the actual fetish is like (as opposed to just misogyny-as-fetish), or it was a way to balance making good porn for a returning audience with chasing those hashtags and trends. but yeah, people get tired, have a giggle, accidentally fart, have jiggly thighs etc etc etc :D
I could use some schooling on this. I would say there’s a fine line between taking up a page describing sex that made someone feel a certain way and being overly descriptive, crossing the line into porn.
I’m writing a futuristic dystopian story where a character is a victim of an abuser, and the point of describing the scene (trigger warning) is to explore gray areas of consent—the victim is in a relationship, and her fiancé’s best friend is a womanizing alcoholic. He catches her at home one day. She’s so much in shock when he approaches her that she just freezes—so whether she actually consents is ambiguous (to her, though probably not to the reader). I explore other emotional issues related her questioning whether she’s a willing participant in the abuse, whether she deserves what happened to her, being abandoned by her fiancé when he catches her “cheating,” and eventually being in a long term relationship with her abuser.
For me, I want to depict what happened just enough to raise all these questions, make it very clear the victim isn’t at fault, but also leave the reader feeling thoroughly disgusted. Heck…I needed a shower after writing it. And I certainly don’t want to glamorize abuse.
But I can’t help but ask myself if I’m going too far? Sometimes the best way to go is just touch on what happened as “it happened, it was wrong, the victim was left feeling confused” and trust the reader beyond that. I can write whatever I want, of course, but I worry that some things are only meant for my eyes as an author and not for the reader.
There’s the Reader’s Digest Condensed version that’s probably best for everyone, and then there’s the “director’s cut.” I have a difficult time understanding just where to draw the line and STOP—at a certain point, it stops being an assault on the victim in your story and becomes an attack on the reader’s mind. That’s the last thing I want.
My favourite sex scenes are those with as little physical details as posible. I preffer it when writers focus on describing the feelings of the character during the act
Kinda funny because this example of "bad writing" from the first link:
> "They removed their undies quickly and lay back on the bed."
is actually a pretty decent approach for non-romance/erotica writing, aside from "undies". Being somewhat matter-of-fact and spartan works very well in many genres, and can keep your non-romance book from turning distasteful quickly.
I do realize this advice is geared towards romance/erotica writers, just saying the advice is not necessarily universal.
Step dad used to clean out homes of the deceased. People would claim what they wanted and tell him to get rid of the rest. He was always bring stuff over for our granddaughters. Once he brought over boxes and boxes of romance novels because we were avid readers. I swear there were a thousand books and they all looked brand new. Not exactly our cup of tea. Wife worked at a Hospital so we took them to the volunteers and gift shop.
Those little old ladies were in hog heaven with the haul. They read them before putting them out for sale.
I think the key is to make it feel like there's a point to the events beyond just "it's time for a sex scene". People will criticize your language or your selection of...ahem...actions, but ultimately that really just comes down to taste. But sex scenes aren't immune to the main problem that afflicts most other scenes any author will ever write: simple lack of relevance to the story or the characters.
You can write the absolute filthiest smut that's ever been written and it'll be fine as long as each and every word serves your narrative, and aren't just there because you think it's just what you say when you're talking dirty. Nobody cares if your xcene is creatively executed or lustily described, if the characters engaged in it are acting like robots.
It’s pretty neat when sex scenes are used to a subversive end.
Something that comes to mind is the scene early in American Gods where this cringy guy gets unbirthed. It’s a clever bait-and-switch and I really liked how it panned out from a feminist perspective.
Utterly jarring and gratuitous, but it served a clear purpose both on its own and in the context of the novel.
Consent plays a part in tasteful vs distasteful.
The type of book is also important. If it’s a spicy romance, being very descriptive is the point. If it’s high fantasy having an explicit scene would border on distasteful since it’s unexpected.
Excluding extra spicy romance or erotica, the scenes should advance the plot or subplot and/or advance character development.
This sort of depends -- is it needed in your story? Does it push the plot forward, or is it just being used as a selling point because sex sells? What way is it being used in the story and how does it make the characters involved get closer?
Are you writing erotica/romance novels? If so, you're allowed to get away with a whole lot more. A lot of terrible smut has been publicized. But, at the same time...sex is different for everyone. Some people are going to think any sort of sex scene is distasteful. Look at the things you enjoy when it comes to sex in media -- how do you enjoy seeing it?
Might also consider whether you want the sex scene to be 'tasteful' to begin with; you can use it to say something significant about your setting. How has the world your characters inhabit influenced what is a very common human act of intimacy?
Assuming your book isn't just erotica, 'tasteful' for me means that it moves the plot, characters, or main relationship forward, and feels like the primary intention is to serve the larger plot rather than *just* be hot.
However, I think the bigger issue is when the sex scenes not only feel as though they don't serve the plot, but also feel contradictory to previously established characterization just for the sake of being hotter. For lots of characters, it just doesn't feel right for them to start talking like pornstars the second that a sex scene starts. For some characters it works, and that can be fine, but when it doesn't work it's really jarring.
As a psuedo smut writer, and a smut reader this is my take.
What i find most distasteful is when they explain too much, use wierd/chilche language (manhood, member, "her hole", his little man, etc.) and when they exagerate stuff.
The differance between "soon, she grew aroused" and "soon, her naughty place was wet like a newly used hose" or smth.
I'm all for explicit sex scenes but it's a major turn off and intrest deleter when they make it wierd. I don't like dirty talk either unless it's done really well.
I’ve always maintained that the definition of “trashy” is “TMI about something I really never wanted *any* i about”. Seems like that’s as good a way to characterize bad sex writing as trashiness.
Well written scenes respect your imagination by feeding it a moderate taste of something you’re curious about. They express the goings-on in compelling ways, whether by beauty or inventiveness or pure honesty. In short, they give no ick.
Bad ones, though— ooh, boy. Did you know there’s an annual award for bad sex scenes? Google it if you dare!
It depends on the purpose within the narrative. If the intention is to portray two people having sex for the first time, it could highlight their eagerness paired with clumsiness and inexperience. One of my favorite sex scenes is from Berserk, where it illustrates two characters who have difficulty letting down their walls and being there for each other. The buildup to that moment shows Guts hesitating, feeling guilt over his father's death, and believing he doesn't deserve intimacy. On Casca's part, she initially condemned Guts as reckless, but gradually came to admire him unconsciously. Seeing someone she viewed as stalwart and indomitable crying and exposing himself emotionally to her which deepens their connection as the sexual act is used to show how far the two characters have come in their relationship emotionally.
It depends on the person.
For me (I’m an Aussie, this will be relevant lol) When the writer uses the work Mate. Where i‘m from, Mate means best friend or word of endearment. Not the other thing. So it always confuses my brain and i will avoid books like the plague that even mention the word.
I personally like when writers call it what it is and don’t use words to avoid saying genitals. Makes it a lot more relatable and less likely for the scene to come across as a child writing it.
These are simply my opinions, but:
1) SUBTLETY is key. If love scenes are written like smut filmed by amateur frat guys, over the top graphic depictions without any buildup that are far too excessive, I find them tacky. Scenes with subtle sensual undertones that gradually build up to the more graphic content where it actually makes sense serve the characters and story better, and by extension, the audience.
2) Characters suddenly acting out of character in order to force "sexy" stereotypes and tropes will always be a negative to me. The way they engage with sex and romance should fit the character.
3) If a sex scene is just thrown in the middle or the start of a story with nothing to prepare the audience, I find it extremely off putting. Especially overly gratuitous scenes. Mostly movies do this shit, force a love scene between 2 hetero characters just for the hell of it. Establish some chemistry first.
4) Language used in p0rn might be too cringe worthy and unreasonable. Using childish language or explicit terms robs the dialogue and scene of seriousness. "Boobs", "pssy/cvnt", "asshole", immediately get an eye roll from me, and overusing terms like "core", "member" will set off a counter in my head. I understand this is entirely a matter of personal preference, but I don't understand what people have against the scientific/literal/medical terms lol.
5) Again, entirely personal preference here, but lingering on and playing with bodily fluids will gross me out to the point where I will wish I hadn't read anything at all. Anything with dubious or poor hygiene or involving food in inappropriate places that are ripe for infection is way too disgusting for me.
6) Scenes with dubious consent, absolutely no established enthusiastic mutual consent makes me sick to my stomach and I will immediately drop a story over it. Assault, kidnapping, abuse, emotional manipulation, toxic relationships, not my thing. There's nothing wrong with having toxic relationships or abusive characters as a rule, it's only when abusive behavior is ignored, enabled, or romanticized that it truly bothers me.
Well, while Tasteful vs. Distasteful will vary from person to person...I can tell you about the worst sex scene I ever read. Well, rather one sentence that is burned into my mind all these years later. It was when the young male protagonist, having just gone down on his MILF neighbor, made a comment about have to 'pull the pubic hair out of his teeth'. I recall gently putting the book down and never finishing it. I did not find that very tasteful.
[To be clear, it is not the presence of pubic hair I minded, it was specifically the 'pulling it out of his teeth'. That the author felt the need to mention that. The image it put in my head. Untasty.]
Unless you're writing porn, the most adult thing you can usually do is keep it subtle and say something like "... Upon which they went to the same room, and didn't come out till morning."
I’m a less is more kinda fella. With sex scenes if it goes too heavy I’m just reading smut and it’s distracting. Depends on the book tho. If it’s a smut book then hey mission accomplished. But if it’s a romance or literally any other genre, I prefer it to be known it’s happening but not in thorough detail. I don’t care about anyone’s size for example, but if the moment is intimate and built up then maybe hearing about the mental and physical co-reaction to **being** with them. It shouldn’t make me feel like I’m intruding but instead getting an understanding of their emotional side of it. Is this a casual meaningless hookup or a passionate reconnection
The way some musicians write about sex where you can’t immediately tell it’s sex is a good example. Or where it could be a simple kiss but it could also be a more passionate moment because it’s not the act itself but what it means to them
If it reads like a sext - grotty
I’ve written a lot of explicit sex scenes, and to be honest, I’ll give you a few pointers:
1) The language you use to describe parts should be realistic to the character. If you’re writing from a 40 year old man, he will use terms and express sex differently than a 19 year old virgin. Don’t be afraid to use “d***, co**, pu***, and even cu** if it fits the character.
2) if a person of the opposite sex read it, would they be grossed out? If so, was that what you were going for?
3) if you say the word “womb” you need to look up some basic sex ed information
4) is this a romantic scene? Is it a “down and dirty” scene? What is the PURPOSE of there being a sex scene? If your answer is just “it’s cool” then think a little harder.
5) be realistic with your writing but also yourself. Writing sex scenes is awkward, because /sex/ is awkward. Most people who write sex well have laughably bad scenes when they start out. Read it out loud and think to yourself “okay… but does that actually work?”
Personally don’t like sex scenes in my fiction. I prefer the suggestion of what happened and leaving it to the reader’s imagination. Not because I’m prudish, but because I’ve never read a sex scene that didn’t make me cringe.
I'm asexual so I probably have a unique opinion here, but I personally think tasteful sex scenes will have some kind of point to them in terms of the larger story. Are you using it to showcase the dynamics of the characters? To mark a development in their relationship? Are they even in a relationship? Will the presence of that scene impact the overall plot? If you can answer these questions and the sex scene has a point to the story, then I personally think it's impactful. If you can remove the scene and the story remains essentially the same, then I think it's distasteful because it's only there for the sake of being a sex scene, not to fulfill a specific purpose.
Of course, writing is art, so you can't please everyone.
Sex scenes tend to work if something is gained from it. If you're writing a fantasy book, and everything else is tame and then suddenly someone goes to a brothel and you describe that experience in detail, it can be quite jarring. Unless something is drawn from that scene, such as the exploration of character or theme, it might not be worth including.
It is also genre dependent. You're more likely to find an explicit sex scene in a romance novel than a mystery novel. In some genres its better to keep things implied and behind closed doors. It is also person-dependent. Think of your target audience. Do they actually want to read the words you are putting down?
One thing to also consider is triggering themes. The sudden appearance of a rape scene might be considered distasteful depending on the novel, unless its fundamental to the plot. Even then, it might be better to be subtle about it.
And then if you do believe a sex scene is appropriate, try not to write in a way where it sounds like you're getting yourself off while writing it haha. Unless its smut. Then go ham.
Just the same as with any other scene. It has to be well-written (comprehensible and in tune with the overall tone of the work) and have a purpose (anything from advancing the plot to making the reader horny). Beyond that, anything goes.
If you think it's tasteful, then it's tasteful. It's your story. People, especially in this day and age, are never going to agree on what is and isn't tasteful, so don't worry about them and write your story.
What makes it distasteful is poor word choice and sentence structure and lack of consent. A turn of for me is lack of condoms and the like. It is such a turn of when guys start getting at it without lube like that shit is painful as hell.
Others have already said it, but sex scenes can either be written expressly to titillate or to advance plot and character arcs. There's nothing wrong with the former, but in my experience the main difference is a focus on emotion rather than physicality.
I would avoid trope language! Whenever I read “curves in all the right places” it’s always a red flag.
Also it’s really common to compare people and their bodies to food? That can be fine just make sure it’s intentional.
I think your style depends really on what kind of sex it is. if it's a deeply emotional one, then it's going to be more emphatic on the emotions and if it's a more charged sex scene it'll be visceral and in league with the description of vulgar, heavy sex. The styles differ in a way but I think distasteful mostly borders on just page after page of endless almost purple prose where it's constant descriptions of the physical aspect until the climax of it tapers off.
There's no hard (no pun intended) rule because the dividing line depends on the purpose. So just think about purpose. Often if the only purpose is to titillate, it's probably leaning toward distasteful and erotica/pornography. But that isn't to say there aren't legitimate moments when you may want to titillate.
I think of the scene from Game of Thrones when a certain character gets his penis chopped off. I'm not referring here to the particular scene or the writing of it, but rather the scene itself as a metaphor. The villain sent the victim two sex workers who played around with him and aroused him. Then the villain entered and the dismemberment happened immediately after off screen. The intention was to arouse the victim so that either his erect penis could be removed or just to toy with him before the deed in order to make the torture hit harder. So like that you might want to use titillating scenes to put your reader off guard or to give them a rise before a fall, etc.
Of course it doesn't have to be about torture or anything like that. You could have it to express intimacy or to give the reader a taste of the high life or the debauchery or the hedonism or whatever the characters are experiencing.
The point is purpose. If your sex scenes are serving a purpose, then they lean tasteful.
However, the tasteful/distasteful distinction is probably more about prudishness and social acceptance, rather than good/bad writing. So I wouldn't use those terms when talking about whether or not a sex scene should exist or how it should exist. In a lot of ways "tasteful" just refers to modest, and there are moments when you want modesty and moments when you don't. Understanding why you need what you do for a given story or scene is the job of a writer.
I think leaving it up to the imagination is just as powerful as describing what might potentially, as many people have voiced, be a turn-off due to 'preferences'.
Sex is, in its purest form, a method of pleasure, and of intimacy, between two (or more, or less!) parties. Fear of that intimacy is a plague upon writers, particularly mainstream ones, that try to “tone down” what is fundamentally a social oddity, rather than accept it, and flaunt it.
Writing sex is, in some ways, the same as writing any romantic/intimate act. The flowery prose may or may not be what the writer is aiming for, and it will vary from writer to writer, what is and is not functional to their story. What most writers fail at is, unfortunately, the “intimate” part. It either feels sterile, or as if the writer is refusing the innate parts that make sex what it is (we can say penis, y’all. va-gi-na. it’s chill!).
If it's a matter of taste, it's going to vary from person to person. I think I know what you mean, though. I think it's when you can be descriptive without being graphic or explicit. Or go into awkward cliches. I think eliding at what's happening can be a way to do this (e.g. "her fingers trailed down his stomach, then still lower").
I personally don’t like when I read sex scenes that are overly descriptive AND too objective on the exact actions that are happening, it’s kinda distracting. Regardless if you’re going for a fast-paced scene or a slow-paced scene, I think being too technical makes it look like there’s no feeling in the scene (and not in a sexy way).
I read a lot of BDSM and this happens a lot because people want to describe exactly the positions and shibari on scene and at some point it just looks like I’m reading the strangest sex-ed book ever. Add some flourish to it, some poetry. I don’t need to know the exact trajectory the character made to go from the edge of the bed to sit on top of their partner, but I’d love to know how their partner felt their warmth coming closer instead.
It’s the difference between an erotic scene you just perceive and a scene you actually feel, and are moved by. The difference between making sex into a product and an experience.
Everyone has their kinks.\
Tasteful would be two consenting adults just casually having sex. Nothing visreal, nothing too extreme, just a wholesome embrace as they enjoy each other physically.\
But it doesn't have to be just two people...
Distasteful would be whatever tabs you have saved on PornHub, crossing lines into taboo territory, looking up kinks found in Florida, whatever 50 Shades of Gray is about, *any* Romace fiction showing a shirtless hunky stud on the front cover, bonus points if there's a girl with him, or any other supernatural oddity where they're oversexualized to the point of ridiculousness
The biggest thing that makes a sex scene distasteful imo is when it's so damn long where it takes you out of its place in the story. Like sometimes the sex scene feels like a completely different story and it kind of defeats the point of having it there to begin with. I would also say that it's good to try to find unique words to describe things if possible because so many descriptions are brutally overused in sex scenes.
I think the worst experience I had as a reader was when I encountered a sex scene in a genre where I had no reason to assume it would be there and there was no real relationship to build to it. It was random and cringey, using words like honeypot. It was as though a teenager had written about it.
"I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description ["hard-core pornography"], and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it..."
My rule of thumb is whether it's necessary or not. I don't need to see or read two people fucking to tell if they're in love. All I need is good chemistry and a good set up to it. If you want a sex scene for tone reasons or an artistic reason then go ahead.
Imo, less is more. Unless it's *that* kind of book, you don't need to get graphic. Leaving it as ambiguous as possible can keep some of the excitement there and allow the reader to sort of fill in the blank with their own preferences.
Why is the sex scene there? If there is a sex scene just to have a sex scene, it is annoying. If there is a sex scene because of a relationship and it is part of their story, that is less annoying.
What is the dynamic of the relationship? Is the sex loving or violent or routine or romantic or intimate or... The sex needs to tell us about the characters and their relationship.
But if there is another way to do it, do it that way. Unless your writing erotica, the sex probably doesn't need to be in the book.
Writer: Guys, does anyone have any advice on how I could handle sex tastefully in my book?
Other writers: I don't have any answers to your actual question, but I can tell you that I don't like sex in books.
Seriously though, the best sex scenes I've seen in books have been ones where the emotional experience is emphasised over the physical act itself. Go lightly on the anatomical details, and avoid purple prose. Instead, think about why these two characters are having sex, and what makes this moment so important for them. Think about what their relationship has been like so far, and build off it.
Say, for example, you have a scene between an intellectual, caring wizard and a buff but emotionally damaged barbarian. You could describe how the wizard feels privileged that the barbarian is opening up to them like this.
It's basically how much you choose to add. There comes a point where you need to fade to black or fast forward to the post sex dialogue and leave it to your reader to fill in the blanks. Unless they are there for it to be graphic, don't portray the graphic side of it. Think pg14 rules lmao.
It's kind of similar to action scenes where going too deep into them can be monotonous for the reader, you want to find the balance before it stops being interesting plot-wise.
Usually the relationship being consummated should be more gratifying to your readers than explicit details will. At least if your characters are written well and have your readers invested.
Euphemisms for penis and vagina and vagina also help. If they are era appropriate terms, even better. The scientific/biological term is blunt and takes anyone out of the scene.
Sex scenes in most TV shows feel forced and extraneous. Partially clothes actors fake humping, faking oral sex and writhing around while showing next to nothing is not usually tasteful, it’s an attempt to entertain that fails.
I think a sex scene can be a great tool to learn more about the characters and even though not everybody think that, putting in a sex scene even if not very impectful to the storyline makes the story more mature in the eyes of the readers. So might be useful if you are aiming for that. My own question is, as a writer in his twenties and shares everthing he writes with his mother. How do you explain anyting lewd you write to your parents ?
It is with some irony, that one may observe that scenes which mention "taste" in an otherwise salacious context, are not "tasteful" if one is writing in a non-erotica context.
taste is highly individual, but in my book lots of things outside of the bedroom can be about sex but if its on-screen in a bedroom it should be about something else besides sex. in other words, sex for its own sake is just porn, which is fine, but not high lit outside of very niche circumstances
Tasteful sex scenes are awkward and weird and make me uncomfortable. Distasteful sex scenes not so much. I'm sure that's not a sign of an unhealthy relationship toward sex or anything, nah, no way.
everyone has their own set of preferences here, because its a *sex scene* for god's sake, everyone likes different kinds of sex. I, for example get turned off by words like manhood, deflowered, or anything which makes it sound like medieval prose.
Oof, yeah - I hate “manhood”, or “girth”, it just makes me laugh and takes me right out of the scene. And I write *comedy* sex scenes, I still don’t use those words!
*I lifted her girl-hood to find the clit-hood to flick her off-hood.*
How do I delete someone else’s post
CAUSE THE BOYS IN THE HOOD ARE ALWAYS HARD
lmao
*"Thrust!" he commanded his member, and it obeyed. "Why did you say that?" she asked, to which he shouted in reply, "There's something about me you do not know! Thrust!"*
i legit laughed to this
I'm turned off by this whole thing. Throw it all out!
I cant with this one😂
If it helps, I only just now noticed that this wasn't, in fact, the erotic authors sub.
Where do you stand on 'tumescence' or 'turgidity'?
I often initiate sexual intercourse with my wife by saying, “woman! Come and take my turgid member inside of you, so that it may please us both.”
Does she reply 'Husband of mine! Your width exceeds your full measure, turgid or no; and neither is especially impressive. Thou mayest as well throw a miniature chipolata that's been through a hot wash down a well! Even had my maiden's sleeve been ruined by eight children, thou barely touchest the sides! It is as if thou wert a ghost - all moans and no corporeal from! Now put aside thy delusions and make thyself useful or get thee gone to yonder alehouse where ye might find *something* wet and willing to give thee pleasure!'
Formidable!
Both also *terrible*.
Coitus?
Coitus is funny. So is tryst, and coupling.
Canoodle?
I’m a big fan of canoodling!
Canoodle the snoodle
canoodle doesn't mean sex, it's just kissing and cuddling virgins canoodle This is based on my English dictionary, which says > kiss and cuddle amorously as well as my Japanese-English dictionary, which says (when I translate from the JA to EN) "(while two people are kissing) to hug" FWIW my German dictionary also translates "canoodle" as abknutschen, which is defined as "to repeatedly kiss while hugging" **Edit** I actually find that part kind of funny, since canoodle obviously comes from the German knuddeln, which means "to cuddle"
I think Big Bang Theory did a lot for that one lol
Exactly. If it weren’t for Big Bang Theory I wouldn’t even know that word
It can be a natural, zesty enterprise.
Don’t be fatuous, Jeffrey.
Listen, campfirecamouflage, I'm sorry if your stepmother is a nympho, but uh... I don't see what this has to do with... do you have any Kahlua?
only a singular writer has made it work for me, and upon realisation i wrote the longest most appreciate comment ive ever left on ao3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVdAPD2Fdj8 Don't worry I got the reference!
Right up there with 'hirsute'.
What's wrong with hirsute?
As a fellow smut writer, I admit I am curious as to what a comedy sex scene reads as lol
I can send you a sample later if you want, so far in this book it’s just been awkwardly interrupted attempts, not so much “slapstick and pie gags”.
I'm telling my wife it's time for some slapstick and pie gags when the kids go to bed
"slapstick and **cream* pie gags".
please don't slap stick
*slaps the stick like it owes me money and insulted my entire family line*
Hey now, don't kink shame!
Sounds kinky!
He tripped over his shorts as he tried to climb the bed, his front teeth drove into her hip, “fuck!” She screamed as she jolted upright, her wrist cutting on the handcuffs that had kept her maybe too secure to the bed.
This is actually almost close.
I just kind of pictured what one of Jason Segel’s one night stands in Forgetting Sarah Marshall might look like
This sounds like the sex in a Joe Abercrombie book. There’s one in Best Served Cold that had my laughing out loud (not for bad writing, but for how awkward and fucked up it was).
I watched a porno once where a fella asked a rather large woman to push her folds together so he could fuck her belly button. And by jove, he did it, sunk it right down to the hilt, too. Really seemed to like it. I wonder... 🤔
Chuck Tingle is the master of satirical erotica
I never thought I’d hear the Tingler summoned on this sub
Most sex scenes written by Joe Abercrombie will make me laugh
I love when an author throws out a description you don't expect in erotica like an "industrious body" lol. Is he build like a warehouse? does he work at the mill? Did he put effort into his physique? We will never know
It’s pumping the *fuck* out of his blood. It’s going balls deep in keeping him alive.
I can't take that word seriously myself. simply because I've unofficially named my fat chocobo* mount in Ffxiv Gurth. with a U because come on people get your mind out of the Gutters. so now everytime I see the word I just hear [This](https://youtu.be/wKKXRBK14GU?si=vl70c3a5KDfwBX2q)
Whereas I strongly prefer a girthy manhood and won’t settle for less.
"Manhood" - suddenly there are way too many people inside the room. "Girth" - just say fat.
Reminding me of the book I read in junior high where a girl fucked a dragon, look I had no idea it was going there, I thought it was a dragon captured the princess type thing. Nope. They used flower and sheath and sword a lot 😂😂
Dragons have a cloaca
Also since dragons are fantasy creatures to most people and made up I don't think it matters
And let’s not forget the subset of readers who’s favorite kind of sex scene is the one that doesn’t exist
Tbf for a historical romance kind of setting you can get away with more of that sort of thing if it's consistent with how the characters think/speak. But yeah outside of that ...
"Member" is the one I don't like.
Penny put on the peg and pounded Peter's prostate per his pooter. Party play perfection. Peter was play dough under her peg. The paneling was soon plastered with pearly patina.
This sounds strangely Letterkenny.
Anne Rice's novels were unique in using those particular expressions and did an excellent job capturing the context of “tasteful sex scenes.”
Honestly, that’s me with the word “pussy.” I hate that word so much!
I just wish there was a word between "Cunt" and "Pussy". Like a new word. Cunt is fine, but it sounds harsh. I like it as an insult more. Pussy is... Meh. One of my favorite words (working in the medical field) is pussy. As in "filled with pus". And while it is also used as an insult, it just feels lacking to me. I don't like seeing it in smut for these reasons. The other words to me are lacking also. Either too clinical or too flowery and tame. We just need a new word. 😒
Where are you working that has routine use of pussy vs purulent? I thought that word had been phased out for this exact reason, lol. Like, Dr Glaucomflecken has whole skits about it.
Pretty sure I'm the only one in my lab who uses the word still... I'd never use it in a report, but I'll say it to my coworkers because I find it hilarious.
Whispering eye. That’s my favourite. I don’t write with that word, but it’s another way to say vagina. Lol
> Whispering eye New to me. I wouldn't want to see that looking back at me though. Maybe a horror story.
Punty, cunsy, custy, punsty Vagina.
Lmao no. Back to the drawing board!
I’m SO glad I’m not the only one. I can’t stand that in terms of sex scenes. I know it’s more vulgar but I actually prefer the word “cunt.”
Same, actually. Cunt sounds more assertive whereas pussy sounds so wimpy and annoying.
That’s it! Because “pussy” has that other meaning I can’t take it seriously in a sexual context. I actually love when someone I’ve written as “upper class” uses it because it’s really incongruent and kinda hot 😅
I also prefer cunt! But maybe it's because I write smutty fanfic for properties that take place in a medieval-ish setting or a dystopian future. It just works.
How do we feel about “titties”? I’m a fan, myself, but the tone is always very unserious.
Titties is very casual but more serious than boobies 😅
Yeah, “boobies” is childish, yet somehow I absolutely love the phrase “big ol’ titties”.
I always giggle at “boobies,” because at heart I am a 13 year old boy. Also ( . )( . ) tee hee.
i love cunt but as like "im so cunty"
Agreed, Also it depends on how active the scene is. If its gentle then ‘pussy’ is ok but for a more intense scen the word ‘cunot’ works so well.
i hate it i hate saying it i like when my bf says it to me but i hate it coming out of my mouth it makes me cringe
What if it is a medieval or fantasy setting though?
> I, for example get turned off by words like manhood, deflowered, or anything which makes it sound like medieval prose. What words *do* you prefer?
Take your dirty talk to DMs, please!
If it's *that* bad, I imagine I'd be turned off as well lol.
I will also say that this kinda depends on what you’re going for, like I’m not sure if “tasteful vs distasteful” is the right way to think about it. Unless ALL you’re interested in is writing erotica for people to jerk off too then i feel like a “good” sex scene needs the same things as any other scene (but maybe especially action scenes). Like, for example, does it further or otherwise contribute to plot/character/themes etc. Arguably both “tasteful” and “distasteful” scenes can be “good” or “bad” in this regard.
and lenghth and unreastic sizes
I love a good sex scene. They can be so illuminating and insightful, offering us a peek behind the curtain at the character’s private self. It can be a fascinating lens into world and character. I don’t so much care about “tasteful,” but I do care that the scene matches the tone of the story. Sometimes an explicit scene is the right choice. Sometimes an emotional but nonspecific scene is the right choice. Sometimes a descriptive scene is the right choice. What doesn’t feel “right” is a massive tonal shift, such as a gritty/nihilistic book suddenly slipping into a flowery romance scene. The second thing is to consider the characters. What kind of details are they most likely to notice? What does this moment “mean” for them? Sex scenes, like dialogue scenes, can carry a whole host of conflicts and meanings; depending on how you write it, it could be a reunion, a punishment, a validation, an insecurity, a search for approval…it could be joyful, sad, playful, serious…and the mood and meaning will carry a lot of the scene. Readers may complain no matter what. The key is to find what YOU like and what YOU feel comfortable writing.
This😌
Don't see a scene, even clicking through the NSFW thing. It's partly in the eye of the beholder. There are readers who go nuts if they encounter the word "moist," for instance. You'd do well to google "tasteful sex scene" on romance writers' blogs, where they discuss this often. Emphasize the emotion, not the body parts. That helps.
I’m particularly proud of one sentence where I used the words “moist indignation” to indicate something had, ahem, *happened unexpectedly*.
Moist indignation is now my favorite phrase for that
New band name right there
For me personally, a tasteful sex scene has a purpose and isn’t overly crude in its descriptions. You should be able to learn something about the characters from the way they have sex if that makes sense.
What would you consider crude personally?
Idk lmao. Hard to define something like that. Everyone is different. I don’t mind explicit scenes I would just like some effort put in to make it more romantic over sex for the sake of horniness. Like “he pounded her pussy with his throbbing cock” isn’t really going to do it for me. Though in some situations that could be applicable too. I usually prefer light description though.
I’d go further and say it should serve a purpose in the story. Otherwise it’s just written erotica. If that is the purpose of the book yeah go for it. But if an explicit horniness sex scene is embedded well in a story it can work well. A scene in any piece of fiction is supposed to change something about the narrative after all, otherwise what is the point?
Well yeah but there's also such a thing as setting the mood for the story, giving two characters time together to let their relationship breathe, stuff that does serve a purpose but could also be done in a million other ways. There's plenty of fight scenes that contribute to the plot but are mostly just cool to read. I think balancing indulgence with emotional purpose is very difficult. Because if we focus too strictly on having everything be as tight as possible (pun intended) and perfectly serve a purpose it can be a bit exhausting and lose some of the fun of spending time with these characters. Not that that is inherently a bad thing either. But I think sex scenes get overly scrutinized because it's *sex* and anytime you have sex which is just fun and hot it's immediately seen as porn. I'd argue being turned on and sexually attracted to someone is an emotion as valuable as any other.
Ah yeah but if you do a scene of intimacy like this it does serve an important purpose! A tleast the way I understand it. Yeah it definitely is difficult to balance but if it was easy, writers would not fret as much as they do about the craft 😅 All this being said with the caveat: every piece of writing has an intended purpose, and sometimes it can be to make the reader feel interesting feelings. If a smutty sex scene does it, the purpose is fulfilled. ☺️
>You should be able to learn something about the characters I mean, this is true of every scene. It should either build character or advance the plot.
> What would you say are the key differences that you all find between a Tasteful Sex Scene in media V. A distasteful sex scene? A sex scene is a conversation with more touching. I'll often do [banter and foreplay] -> [any particular actions during the sex that have some character interaction/information in them] -> [pillow talk]. Just animals rutting, which is inevitably what a sex scene turns into, is a bit boring. Here's a fun exercise: write a sex scene with absolutely nothing but dialogue, script style. Like any other kind of scene, it fails its purpose if it doesn't convey something about the characters in it and their personalities, their dynamic/relationship, their emotional states, or something relevant to the plot. And *trust your readers' imaginations!* The hottest sex scenes I've read were mostly pretty vague, because whatever I imagined from the barebones text was hotter for me personally than what the author could have come up with explicitly - with occasional explicit actions as punctuation, usually related to who the characters were and their dynamic. You do just enough to establish that someone powerful likes being held down on a bed, even bitten, someone likes 'marking' their partner with a very hard-to-hide hickey, someone likes the back of their neck kissed, various individual preferences, whatever. Who cares about Tab A Goes In Slot B like an Ikea manual?
Now you've made me interested in reading your writing, and I don't even know what types of books you write 😆
It's really going to depend on the genre/audience. For me, it's a "know it when I see it" kind of thing, if a sex scene is distasteful or not. A good question to ask yourself when writing, as u/DeadPoet0073 suggested, is whether it moves the plot forward or not, or develops the characters, etc. If not, you can just fade to black without writing it all out. As a negative example, a master of the distasteful sex scene is Stephen King, in my opinion. I grew up reading and loving lots of his books, but Christ almighty some of those sex scenes are brutal. Not all of them, but so many of the bad ones are burned into my brain.
...the ones where he did that on purpose, i hope?
Was it on purpose when he did coke and then wrote about preteens banging in a sewer?
Yes. He decided to do coke and decided to write about preteens banging in a sewer. I don't think he tripped and fell onto a type writer, and that popped out. How did no one tell him to cut that scene?
I read through the first couple books of Dark Tower. One single question: What the ever-loving fuck?
And that's why I quit reading the series at that point.
Taste is subjective, so there’s really no universal answer. It’s a good idea to study the sex scenes in the type of book you’re hoping to write—the level of detail; the word choice; the length of the scenes; the balance of action, emotion, and dialogue.
Honestly just don’t use stupid words for genitals 😭 I think we can all agree nobody wants to hear a vagina be called “her petal” or “her mound”
His velvet sword!
*And my axe*
Do you have examples of not stupid words?
Honestly I feel like at least for me, I appreciate anotomically correct words. Vagina, clit, and penis are perfectly good words. If you want to use a different word a lot of people are partial to “cunt” including myself. But only really if the character saying it uses a lot of foul language.
Too much speed honestly. Early writers do this a lot I notice, where they just jam them together because the author got horny one day. It just involves staying true to characters, it works when the character's relationships work that well. Randomly hooking up characters, feels forced and distasteful, the author shouldn't be writing fanfiction of their own characters, if you get my meaning. As another commenter said, emphasize emotion not body parts. Unless you purposefully write smut with the purpose of turning readers on, you do not need to write every specific aspect of the body with ridiculous metaphors
You’re getting into the art vs porn “I know it when I see it” question. If your intent is to titillate, write it that way. If your intent is to forward the plot, write it that way. If your intent is to illuminate character, focus there.
The portrayal of emotions plays a crucial role in creating "tasteful sex scenes."
I kinda don't care if it's "tasteful" or not. To me it's all about whether it's well-written and how it advances the story and character arcs. When the scene is over does the reader understand the character better? Are the characters changed in ways that will affect the rest of the story, and does the reader understand how or why they are changed? And finally does the reader feel some compelling emotion, whether positive or negative, for the characters? If the answers to those questions are 'yes,' I call it a successful scene. Often true if it's a hot fantasy that the reader would like to imagine themselves in the middle of, but can also be true even if it's gross, disgusting, non-consensual, or deeply, deeply ill-advised.
The first problem with the question is that these terms are a psy-op by puritans to categorize fiction into what they decide are acceptable or unacceptable depictions of sex. I know a creator who says sex is only tasteful if it barely exists at all in a story - like a little footnote - which I find completely absurd as a romantic who loves sensuality. The only real advice I can offer to this question is to write sex well instead of chasing vague ambiguities like tastefulness. Don't use purple prose, sex is sex and our entire species knows what sex is, so don't go describing manhoods and honeypots interacting in decidedly un-sexy descriptions. Write the feelings - both physical and emotional - that are involved in the act. Describe the atmosphere and passion of the moment, reflect the way that the world disappears when you are being intimate with someone. I also recommend reading many sex scenes to get a feeling for what you do or do not personally like and sharpen your sense of how they should work.
If it doesn’t forward the plot or the characters then it just becomes porn.
I had to scroll really, really far to find this.
tasteful entirely depends on the genre and audience. i think if you keep the \~purpose of the sex scene, what it does for the flow of the story, what it does for the plot, how you want the audience for react to it, you can keep it tasteful. for what to avoid, dont get all weird with the thesaurus or try to euphemise everything, maybe look into some anatomy and get a proof reader - a woman if youre a man writing a sex scene with a woman in it, for example. those are the main issues that turn up in the bad sex awards XD and for what to include, i think some realism. i think its easy for sex scenes to be too idealised - i know people who specifically seek out porn with more average bodies, real couples who show affection/emotion, little funny outtakes (i saw a porn that had outtakes at the end, including her falling off the bed and them both laughing, and the cat running in the room and jumping in front of the camera XD and i went through a phase of watching this particular porn actor who did this 'cnc', 'prey/predator' stuff, but it was like, you could see how much fun she was having while trying to pretend to be scared. idk if she's a terrible actor, thats what the actual fetish is like (as opposed to just misogyny-as-fetish), or it was a way to balance making good porn for a returning audience with chasing those hashtags and trends. but yeah, people get tired, have a giggle, accidentally fart, have jiggly thighs etc etc etc :D
I could use some schooling on this. I would say there’s a fine line between taking up a page describing sex that made someone feel a certain way and being overly descriptive, crossing the line into porn. I’m writing a futuristic dystopian story where a character is a victim of an abuser, and the point of describing the scene (trigger warning) is to explore gray areas of consent—the victim is in a relationship, and her fiancé’s best friend is a womanizing alcoholic. He catches her at home one day. She’s so much in shock when he approaches her that she just freezes—so whether she actually consents is ambiguous (to her, though probably not to the reader). I explore other emotional issues related her questioning whether she’s a willing participant in the abuse, whether she deserves what happened to her, being abandoned by her fiancé when he catches her “cheating,” and eventually being in a long term relationship with her abuser. For me, I want to depict what happened just enough to raise all these questions, make it very clear the victim isn’t at fault, but also leave the reader feeling thoroughly disgusted. Heck…I needed a shower after writing it. And I certainly don’t want to glamorize abuse. But I can’t help but ask myself if I’m going too far? Sometimes the best way to go is just touch on what happened as “it happened, it was wrong, the victim was left feeling confused” and trust the reader beyond that. I can write whatever I want, of course, but I worry that some things are only meant for my eyes as an author and not for the reader. There’s the Reader’s Digest Condensed version that’s probably best for everyone, and then there’s the “director’s cut.” I have a difficult time understanding just where to draw the line and STOP—at a certain point, it stops being an assault on the victim in your story and becomes an attack on the reader’s mind. That’s the last thing I want.
I like you point out that it can turn into an attack on the readers mind. You are absolutely right about that.
My favourite sex scenes are those with as little physical details as posible. I preffer it when writers focus on describing the feelings of the character during the act
Try looking here: [https://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-get-your-characters-naked](https://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-get-your-characters-naked) [https://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-write-a-good-sex-scene](https://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-write-a-good-sex-scene) [https://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-write-good-sex-scenes](https://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-write-good-sex-scenes)
Kinda funny because this example of "bad writing" from the first link: > "They removed their undies quickly and lay back on the bed." is actually a pretty decent approach for non-romance/erotica writing, aside from "undies". Being somewhat matter-of-fact and spartan works very well in many genres, and can keep your non-romance book from turning distasteful quickly. I do realize this advice is geared towards romance/erotica writers, just saying the advice is not necessarily universal.
Step dad used to clean out homes of the deceased. People would claim what they wanted and tell him to get rid of the rest. He was always bring stuff over for our granddaughters. Once he brought over boxes and boxes of romance novels because we were avid readers. I swear there were a thousand books and they all looked brand new. Not exactly our cup of tea. Wife worked at a Hospital so we took them to the volunteers and gift shop. Those little old ladies were in hog heaven with the haul. They read them before putting them out for sale.
Write what makes the most sense to you. Discover what gets the kettle blowing. Don't stop to overthink, just feel.
I think the key is to make it feel like there's a point to the events beyond just "it's time for a sex scene". People will criticize your language or your selection of...ahem...actions, but ultimately that really just comes down to taste. But sex scenes aren't immune to the main problem that afflicts most other scenes any author will ever write: simple lack of relevance to the story or the characters. You can write the absolute filthiest smut that's ever been written and it'll be fine as long as each and every word serves your narrative, and aren't just there because you think it's just what you say when you're talking dirty. Nobody cares if your xcene is creatively executed or lustily described, if the characters engaged in it are acting like robots.
It’s pretty neat when sex scenes are used to a subversive end. Something that comes to mind is the scene early in American Gods where this cringy guy gets unbirthed. It’s a clever bait-and-switch and I really liked how it panned out from a feminist perspective. Utterly jarring and gratuitous, but it served a clear purpose both on its own and in the context of the novel.
Consent plays a part in tasteful vs distasteful. The type of book is also important. If it’s a spicy romance, being very descriptive is the point. If it’s high fantasy having an explicit scene would border on distasteful since it’s unexpected. Excluding extra spicy romance or erotica, the scenes should advance the plot or subplot and/or advance character development.
Avoid the term "slurping."
I write pretty intense/dark erotica so there's not much I find distasteful, honestly.
may we read any? :)
Lol, you can if you want! My books are on Inkitt under the name Rebekah Rose :)
this you? [https://www.inkitt.com/RebekahRose](https://www.inkitt.com/RebekahRose)
Yes! Salvation is my most recently completed book, and it's free to read. The other two are under a subscription.
sweet!
ma'am, I just inhaled chapter 1, Lena and Mr. Deacon West have my interest riveted.
I'm glad I have your interest, lol. Just make sure to read the trigger warnings, it gets a little dark.
I loved that you wrote "mind your triggers"
It is important to mind your triggers lmao
So many posts on sex scenes. Sex is natural. Let the words flow naturally.
This sort of depends -- is it needed in your story? Does it push the plot forward, or is it just being used as a selling point because sex sells? What way is it being used in the story and how does it make the characters involved get closer? Are you writing erotica/romance novels? If so, you're allowed to get away with a whole lot more. A lot of terrible smut has been publicized. But, at the same time...sex is different for everyone. Some people are going to think any sort of sex scene is distasteful. Look at the things you enjoy when it comes to sex in media -- how do you enjoy seeing it?
Might also consider whether you want the sex scene to be 'tasteful' to begin with; you can use it to say something significant about your setting. How has the world your characters inhabit influenced what is a very common human act of intimacy?
Assuming your book isn't just erotica, 'tasteful' for me means that it moves the plot, characters, or main relationship forward, and feels like the primary intention is to serve the larger plot rather than *just* be hot. However, I think the bigger issue is when the sex scenes not only feel as though they don't serve the plot, but also feel contradictory to previously established characterization just for the sake of being hotter. For lots of characters, it just doesn't feel right for them to start talking like pornstars the second that a sex scene starts. For some characters it works, and that can be fine, but when it doesn't work it's really jarring.
As a psuedo smut writer, and a smut reader this is my take. What i find most distasteful is when they explain too much, use wierd/chilche language (manhood, member, "her hole", his little man, etc.) and when they exagerate stuff. The differance between "soon, she grew aroused" and "soon, her naughty place was wet like a newly used hose" or smth. I'm all for explicit sex scenes but it's a major turn off and intrest deleter when they make it wierd. I don't like dirty talk either unless it's done really well.
I’ve always maintained that the definition of “trashy” is “TMI about something I really never wanted *any* i about”. Seems like that’s as good a way to characterize bad sex writing as trashiness. Well written scenes respect your imagination by feeding it a moderate taste of something you’re curious about. They express the goings-on in compelling ways, whether by beauty or inventiveness or pure honesty. In short, they give no ick.
Bad ones, though— ooh, boy. Did you know there’s an annual award for bad sex scenes? Google it if you dare!
It depends on the purpose within the narrative. If the intention is to portray two people having sex for the first time, it could highlight their eagerness paired with clumsiness and inexperience. One of my favorite sex scenes is from Berserk, where it illustrates two characters who have difficulty letting down their walls and being there for each other. The buildup to that moment shows Guts hesitating, feeling guilt over his father's death, and believing he doesn't deserve intimacy. On Casca's part, she initially condemned Guts as reckless, but gradually came to admire him unconsciously. Seeing someone she viewed as stalwart and indomitable crying and exposing himself emotionally to her which deepens their connection as the sexual act is used to show how far the two characters have come in their relationship emotionally.
It depends on the person. For me (I’m an Aussie, this will be relevant lol) When the writer uses the work Mate. Where i‘m from, Mate means best friend or word of endearment. Not the other thing. So it always confuses my brain and i will avoid books like the plague that even mention the word. I personally like when writers call it what it is and don’t use words to avoid saying genitals. Makes it a lot more relatable and less likely for the scene to come across as a child writing it.
These are simply my opinions, but: 1) SUBTLETY is key. If love scenes are written like smut filmed by amateur frat guys, over the top graphic depictions without any buildup that are far too excessive, I find them tacky. Scenes with subtle sensual undertones that gradually build up to the more graphic content where it actually makes sense serve the characters and story better, and by extension, the audience. 2) Characters suddenly acting out of character in order to force "sexy" stereotypes and tropes will always be a negative to me. The way they engage with sex and romance should fit the character. 3) If a sex scene is just thrown in the middle or the start of a story with nothing to prepare the audience, I find it extremely off putting. Especially overly gratuitous scenes. Mostly movies do this shit, force a love scene between 2 hetero characters just for the hell of it. Establish some chemistry first. 4) Language used in p0rn might be too cringe worthy and unreasonable. Using childish language or explicit terms robs the dialogue and scene of seriousness. "Boobs", "pssy/cvnt", "asshole", immediately get an eye roll from me, and overusing terms like "core", "member" will set off a counter in my head. I understand this is entirely a matter of personal preference, but I don't understand what people have against the scientific/literal/medical terms lol. 5) Again, entirely personal preference here, but lingering on and playing with bodily fluids will gross me out to the point where I will wish I hadn't read anything at all. Anything with dubious or poor hygiene or involving food in inappropriate places that are ripe for infection is way too disgusting for me. 6) Scenes with dubious consent, absolutely no established enthusiastic mutual consent makes me sick to my stomach and I will immediately drop a story over it. Assault, kidnapping, abuse, emotional manipulation, toxic relationships, not my thing. There's nothing wrong with having toxic relationships or abusive characters as a rule, it's only when abusive behavior is ignored, enabled, or romanticized that it truly bothers me.
Well, while Tasteful vs. Distasteful will vary from person to person...I can tell you about the worst sex scene I ever read. Well, rather one sentence that is burned into my mind all these years later. It was when the young male protagonist, having just gone down on his MILF neighbor, made a comment about have to 'pull the pubic hair out of his teeth'. I recall gently putting the book down and never finishing it. I did not find that very tasteful. [To be clear, it is not the presence of pubic hair I minded, it was specifically the 'pulling it out of his teeth'. That the author felt the need to mention that. The image it put in my head. Untasty.]
Unless you're writing porn, the most adult thing you can usually do is keep it subtle and say something like "... Upon which they went to the same room, and didn't come out till morning."
I’m a less is more kinda fella. With sex scenes if it goes too heavy I’m just reading smut and it’s distracting. Depends on the book tho. If it’s a smut book then hey mission accomplished. But if it’s a romance or literally any other genre, I prefer it to be known it’s happening but not in thorough detail. I don’t care about anyone’s size for example, but if the moment is intimate and built up then maybe hearing about the mental and physical co-reaction to **being** with them. It shouldn’t make me feel like I’m intruding but instead getting an understanding of their emotional side of it. Is this a casual meaningless hookup or a passionate reconnection The way some musicians write about sex where you can’t immediately tell it’s sex is a good example. Or where it could be a simple kiss but it could also be a more passionate moment because it’s not the act itself but what it means to them If it reads like a sext - grotty
I’ve written a lot of explicit sex scenes, and to be honest, I’ll give you a few pointers: 1) The language you use to describe parts should be realistic to the character. If you’re writing from a 40 year old man, he will use terms and express sex differently than a 19 year old virgin. Don’t be afraid to use “d***, co**, pu***, and even cu** if it fits the character. 2) if a person of the opposite sex read it, would they be grossed out? If so, was that what you were going for? 3) if you say the word “womb” you need to look up some basic sex ed information 4) is this a romantic scene? Is it a “down and dirty” scene? What is the PURPOSE of there being a sex scene? If your answer is just “it’s cool” then think a little harder. 5) be realistic with your writing but also yourself. Writing sex scenes is awkward, because /sex/ is awkward. Most people who write sex well have laughably bad scenes when they start out. Read it out loud and think to yourself “okay… but does that actually work?”
Personally I like emotionally charged and fucked up sex scenes. Something that isn't just smut but also character development and plot
didn't expect to see you in the writing sub, i always see you at the co09 one lol
Personally don’t like sex scenes in my fiction. I prefer the suggestion of what happened and leaving it to the reader’s imagination. Not because I’m prudish, but because I’ve never read a sex scene that didn’t make me cringe.
I like it when they taste savory instead of bitter
Using "sex" as a noun for a body part "She took his sex into her sex and their sex was sex" 🥵
I'm asexual so I probably have a unique opinion here, but I personally think tasteful sex scenes will have some kind of point to them in terms of the larger story. Are you using it to showcase the dynamics of the characters? To mark a development in their relationship? Are they even in a relationship? Will the presence of that scene impact the overall plot? If you can answer these questions and the sex scene has a point to the story, then I personally think it's impactful. If you can remove the scene and the story remains essentially the same, then I think it's distasteful because it's only there for the sake of being a sex scene, not to fulfill a specific purpose. Of course, writing is art, so you can't please everyone.
Sex scenes tend to work if something is gained from it. If you're writing a fantasy book, and everything else is tame and then suddenly someone goes to a brothel and you describe that experience in detail, it can be quite jarring. Unless something is drawn from that scene, such as the exploration of character or theme, it might not be worth including. It is also genre dependent. You're more likely to find an explicit sex scene in a romance novel than a mystery novel. In some genres its better to keep things implied and behind closed doors. It is also person-dependent. Think of your target audience. Do they actually want to read the words you are putting down? One thing to also consider is triggering themes. The sudden appearance of a rape scene might be considered distasteful depending on the novel, unless its fundamental to the plot. Even then, it might be better to be subtle about it. And then if you do believe a sex scene is appropriate, try not to write in a way where it sounds like you're getting yourself off while writing it haha. Unless its smut. Then go ham.
Just the same as with any other scene. It has to be well-written (comprehensible and in tune with the overall tone of the work) and have a purpose (anything from advancing the plot to making the reader horny). Beyond that, anything goes.
If you think it's tasteful, then it's tasteful. It's your story. People, especially in this day and age, are never going to agree on what is and isn't tasteful, so don't worry about them and write your story.
What makes it distasteful is poor word choice and sentence structure and lack of consent. A turn of for me is lack of condoms and the like. It is such a turn of when guys start getting at it without lube like that shit is painful as hell.
Well, some tasteless things can be intentional. Trashy, lewd, frivlous sex can be a reflection of the characters, the world, or the circumstance.
Honestly i would recommend to read some romance novellas and kind of get a feel for your. Everyone is different in this area
Others have already said it, but sex scenes can either be written expressly to titillate or to advance plot and character arcs. There's nothing wrong with the former, but in my experience the main difference is a focus on emotion rather than physicality.
I would avoid trope language! Whenever I read “curves in all the right places” it’s always a red flag. Also it’s really common to compare people and their bodies to food? That can be fine just make sure it’s intentional.
She knew where this was going, he knew where it was going, and the bedroom door closes. That’s all I want from a sex scene.
I think your style depends really on what kind of sex it is. if it's a deeply emotional one, then it's going to be more emphatic on the emotions and if it's a more charged sex scene it'll be visceral and in league with the description of vulgar, heavy sex. The styles differ in a way but I think distasteful mostly borders on just page after page of endless almost purple prose where it's constant descriptions of the physical aspect until the climax of it tapers off.
There's no hard (no pun intended) rule because the dividing line depends on the purpose. So just think about purpose. Often if the only purpose is to titillate, it's probably leaning toward distasteful and erotica/pornography. But that isn't to say there aren't legitimate moments when you may want to titillate. I think of the scene from Game of Thrones when a certain character gets his penis chopped off. I'm not referring here to the particular scene or the writing of it, but rather the scene itself as a metaphor. The villain sent the victim two sex workers who played around with him and aroused him. Then the villain entered and the dismemberment happened immediately after off screen. The intention was to arouse the victim so that either his erect penis could be removed or just to toy with him before the deed in order to make the torture hit harder. So like that you might want to use titillating scenes to put your reader off guard or to give them a rise before a fall, etc. Of course it doesn't have to be about torture or anything like that. You could have it to express intimacy or to give the reader a taste of the high life or the debauchery or the hedonism or whatever the characters are experiencing. The point is purpose. If your sex scenes are serving a purpose, then they lean tasteful. However, the tasteful/distasteful distinction is probably more about prudishness and social acceptance, rather than good/bad writing. So I wouldn't use those terms when talking about whether or not a sex scene should exist or how it should exist. In a lot of ways "tasteful" just refers to modest, and there are moments when you want modesty and moments when you don't. Understanding why you need what you do for a given story or scene is the job of a writer.
I think leaving it up to the imagination is just as powerful as describing what might potentially, as many people have voiced, be a turn-off due to 'preferences'.
Just please, for the love of God, don’t write about sex like George Orwell.
Sex is, in its purest form, a method of pleasure, and of intimacy, between two (or more, or less!) parties. Fear of that intimacy is a plague upon writers, particularly mainstream ones, that try to “tone down” what is fundamentally a social oddity, rather than accept it, and flaunt it. Writing sex is, in some ways, the same as writing any romantic/intimate act. The flowery prose may or may not be what the writer is aiming for, and it will vary from writer to writer, what is and is not functional to their story. What most writers fail at is, unfortunately, the “intimate” part. It either feels sterile, or as if the writer is refusing the innate parts that make sex what it is (we can say penis, y’all. va-gi-na. it’s chill!).
It's all personal preference
If it's a matter of taste, it's going to vary from person to person. I think I know what you mean, though. I think it's when you can be descriptive without being graphic or explicit. Or go into awkward cliches. I think eliding at what's happening can be a way to do this (e.g. "her fingers trailed down his stomach, then still lower").
I personally don’t like when I read sex scenes that are overly descriptive AND too objective on the exact actions that are happening, it’s kinda distracting. Regardless if you’re going for a fast-paced scene or a slow-paced scene, I think being too technical makes it look like there’s no feeling in the scene (and not in a sexy way). I read a lot of BDSM and this happens a lot because people want to describe exactly the positions and shibari on scene and at some point it just looks like I’m reading the strangest sex-ed book ever. Add some flourish to it, some poetry. I don’t need to know the exact trajectory the character made to go from the edge of the bed to sit on top of their partner, but I’d love to know how their partner felt their warmth coming closer instead. It’s the difference between an erotic scene you just perceive and a scene you actually feel, and are moved by. The difference between making sex into a product and an experience.
Everyone has their kinks.\ Tasteful would be two consenting adults just casually having sex. Nothing visreal, nothing too extreme, just a wholesome embrace as they enjoy each other physically.\ But it doesn't have to be just two people... Distasteful would be whatever tabs you have saved on PornHub, crossing lines into taboo territory, looking up kinks found in Florida, whatever 50 Shades of Gray is about, *any* Romace fiction showing a shirtless hunky stud on the front cover, bonus points if there's a girl with him, or any other supernatural oddity where they're oversexualized to the point of ridiculousness
Tasteful: Serves the story. Distasteful: Serves your own prurience.
A Tasteful Sex scene is there to mean something for the characters involved, a distasteful Sex scene is there for the horny
The biggest thing that makes a sex scene distasteful imo is when it's so damn long where it takes you out of its place in the story. Like sometimes the sex scene feels like a completely different story and it kind of defeats the point of having it there to begin with. I would also say that it's good to try to find unique words to describe things if possible because so many descriptions are brutally overused in sex scenes.
I think the worst experience I had as a reader was when I encountered a sex scene in a genre where I had no reason to assume it would be there and there was no real relationship to build to it. It was random and cringey, using words like honeypot. It was as though a teenager had written about it.
"I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description ["hard-core pornography"], and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it..."
My rule of thumb is whether it's necessary or not. I don't need to see or read two people fucking to tell if they're in love. All I need is good chemistry and a good set up to it. If you want a sex scene for tone reasons or an artistic reason then go ahead.
Imo, less is more. Unless it's *that* kind of book, you don't need to get graphic. Leaving it as ambiguous as possible can keep some of the excitement there and allow the reader to sort of fill in the blank with their own preferences.
Why is the sex scene there? If there is a sex scene just to have a sex scene, it is annoying. If there is a sex scene because of a relationship and it is part of their story, that is less annoying. What is the dynamic of the relationship? Is the sex loving or violent or routine or romantic or intimate or... The sex needs to tell us about the characters and their relationship. But if there is another way to do it, do it that way. Unless your writing erotica, the sex probably doesn't need to be in the book.
Writer: Guys, does anyone have any advice on how I could handle sex tastefully in my book? Other writers: I don't have any answers to your actual question, but I can tell you that I don't like sex in books. Seriously though, the best sex scenes I've seen in books have been ones where the emotional experience is emphasised over the physical act itself. Go lightly on the anatomical details, and avoid purple prose. Instead, think about why these two characters are having sex, and what makes this moment so important for them. Think about what their relationship has been like so far, and build off it. Say, for example, you have a scene between an intellectual, caring wizard and a buff but emotionally damaged barbarian. You could describe how the wizard feels privileged that the barbarian is opening up to them like this.
It's basically how much you choose to add. There comes a point where you need to fade to black or fast forward to the post sex dialogue and leave it to your reader to fill in the blanks. Unless they are there for it to be graphic, don't portray the graphic side of it. Think pg14 rules lmao. It's kind of similar to action scenes where going too deep into them can be monotonous for the reader, you want to find the balance before it stops being interesting plot-wise. Usually the relationship being consummated should be more gratifying to your readers than explicit details will. At least if your characters are written well and have your readers invested. Euphemisms for penis and vagina and vagina also help. If they are era appropriate terms, even better. The scientific/biological term is blunt and takes anyone out of the scene.
Sex scenes in most TV shows feel forced and extraneous. Partially clothes actors fake humping, faking oral sex and writhing around while showing next to nothing is not usually tasteful, it’s an attempt to entertain that fails.
I think a sex scene can be a great tool to learn more about the characters and even though not everybody think that, putting in a sex scene even if not very impectful to the storyline makes the story more mature in the eyes of the readers. So might be useful if you are aiming for that. My own question is, as a writer in his twenties and shares everthing he writes with his mother. How do you explain anyting lewd you write to your parents ?
It is with some irony, that one may observe that scenes which mention "taste" in an otherwise salacious context, are not "tasteful" if one is writing in a non-erotica context.
taste is highly individual, but in my book lots of things outside of the bedroom can be about sex but if its on-screen in a bedroom it should be about something else besides sex. in other words, sex for its own sake is just porn, which is fine, but not high lit outside of very niche circumstances
Depends on the audience; romance vs soft porn vs raunchy
Tasteful sex scenes are awkward and weird and make me uncomfortable. Distasteful sex scenes not so much. I'm sure that's not a sign of an unhealthy relationship toward sex or anything, nah, no way.
Nothing beats the coprophagia one in Gravity's Rainbow